You try to do the best for your kids but there is not a parent alive that doesn't get it wrong sometimes. The trick is to learn from these missteps. I received a life lesson I still carry around from an incident over a decade ago.
My son was not yet three, when I took him to a toddler reading group at the local library. It was less than a year before my son was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder - not otherwise specified). Aiden and I walked into the room hosting the event and not surprisingly I was the only daddy there. There were many moms with their infants and toddlers and me and my boy. When you are stay at home dad, as I have been much of my now 13-year-old son's life, you get used to being the only pop around in many situations.
Things got going with a female library employee reading a colorfully illustrated children's book in a highly animated manner. Early in the proceedings Aiden popped up from his sitting position on the floor in front of me, rushed to the front of the room grabbed a different book from a table and returned to me with a big grin on his face. Aiden then sat on my lap, opened his new reading material and started talking to me about it in a not so quiet voice. As I whispered to him to be quiet and closed his book urging him to listen to the storyteller, I noticed them for the first time.
There was at least three mothers in the room shooting me some dark stares and I felt judged. I imagined I was being written off as a screw up dad who didn't know what he was doing. Preoccupied by the unwanted attention Aiden and I had drawn, I was unable to stop my son as he jumped to his feet again and repeated his previous action. This time as my son returned with yet another book, he came within a hair of stomping on the hand of an infant who was on all fours on the floor next to me. The mother of the baby issued a loud gasp and fired daggers from her eyes in my direction.
In not my finest hour, I fled. As I stood and took Aiden abruptly by the hand I witnessed almost all of the moms were now gazing at me in a far from approving manner. The only person who had my back was the library employee who kept reading and genuinely smiled at Aiden and I as we passed by her while exiting the room. My boy asked me repeatedly why we were leaving. As we put on our shoes in the library entrance, I heatedly explained to him it was because he wouldn't sit still and listen. Aiden never got upset. He accepted his fate without protest but with more than little bewilderment.
During the short ride home the remorse struck me. I apologized to Aiden. I realized I shouldn't have let those moms fluster me like that. What transgression had my son committed? All he wanted was to have his dad share a book with him. What I should have done is taken the books he had gathered, found a private corner in the library and read to him one-on-one.
As I mentioned off the top I learned from this experience. Years later when Aiden was in elementary school I would occasionally be conversing with a mom as we waited outside a classroom and feel I was being talked down to. The lady I was speaking with would be giving some not so subtle advice or opinion on child raising in a pain staking "are you following me?" manner better suited to a toddler than a man in his late 30s. I would smile, offer comments and take it all like a good solider.
After the library incident I decided I was going to do what I could to not feel judged. My wife had no reservations in entrusting me to care for our infant son when she returned to the workplace, so why should I care about how others perceive my ability to raise my child? I rationalized my wife's a great mom, she believes in me, so |I have got to be a pretty good dad.
Not one looking be judged I have learned the value of not assessing other parents as well. Having an autism spectrum son has really helped out with this. When my family is out in a restaurant and a child at another table has a full scale meltdown, I don't immediately jump to the conclusion this kid has been raised improperly.
I open my mind to the possibility this child may have a condition that renders them unable to adequately deal with things out of his or her control. He or she may have just learned their favourite food item is no longer offered on the menu and as child with autism, obsessive compulsive disorder or something else; is greatly troubled by a disruption to routine. In any outburst or unusual behavior you see in a child you are not familiar with, there may be a backstory behind it you are not aware of.
I have a go-to-move in public situations where a child is acting out and his or her parent looks at me sheepishly and offers an apology for the outburst. I smile and offer two words, "No worries."
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
A Boy and His Dogs
Homer is a laid back Shih Tzu cross with huge brown eyes, bowed legs and an under bite. He's an older dog who lopes along at a leisurely pace on walks. Homer doesn't bark much. When he does it's a low unthreatening woof. The number one noise he makes is a combination of a groan and grunt. It's a lot like the "mmm-hmm" sound actor Billy Bob Thornton made countless times while playing the mentally disabled character Karl in the movie Sling Blade
Chloe is a thin salt and pepper Schnauzer Maltese cross (we think) who is high strung but highly affectionate. She loves being in the company of people and excitedly greets everyone who comes into our home. Chloe regularly gets up on her hind legs so you can give her a high ten on her front paws. She loves flipping her chew toys in the air, cuddling with her owners and utters a high pitched "wooh-wooh-wooh"sound when she's excited.
I am secure enough in my masculinity to say Homer and Chloe are adorable. I love them all the more for how wonderful they are with my 13 year-old-autism spectrum son, Aiden.
With his attention deficits and motor skill delays, Aiden sometimes picks up our dogs awkwardly when he goes to put them on a couch or bed. While they may sport a somewhat concerned look, they take being packed around by Aiden in stride. Chloe in particular has a great deal of loving patience with Aiden. While Homer may occasionally flee when Aiden strokes him somewhat roughly on the couch, Chloe hangs in there, taking all the hands on attention she can get.
What's been a great benefit to having these two rescue dogs the last few yeas is the great amount of responsibility they have instilled in my child. My wife Joelle and I have greatly enjoyed watching our son talking to Chloe and Homer in a cheerful, encouraging manner as he rounds them up to let them outside. He's also stepped up and done a wonderful job in feeding them twice a day and walking them often, with his parents or on his own.
I am a big fan of dogs. The loyalty, the unconditional love, the whole "I am madly wagging my tail because I am so happy to see you even though you have only been gone to the grocery store for 20 minutes" thing, it's all great. My wife and son love our pups as much as I do, which makes for a harmonious household. But I am aware not all special needs children are able to embrace our four legged friends like Aiden can.
He doesn't have the high level of anxiety around animals I have seen in other autism spectrum kids and one Down syndrome child. Not every youngster is right for a pooch. But if you're a parent with a child who needs extra support and he or she is not terrified of dogs, I believe the right mutt can help draw them out in a positive manner.
Where do you get the right dog? To me the best choice is an animal rescue society or shelter.
The first dog we had with Aiden, came into our home when my son was about three years old. She came from a pet store. Aiden named her Polly. She was a Shih Tzu Schnauzer cross and a beautiful dog with long curly black and white hair. She was protective of a pre-school Aiden to the point where she would growl on the leash if she saw a child on the playground get too close to him. Unfortunately Polly had aggression and other behavior issues. She was a willful dog that tested the resolve of my wife and I. We loved her but we had to keep an eye on her all the time. With the aid of a dog trainer we were able to improve our experiences with Polly to a degree but she was still a lot of work.
Polly also had a series of health issues and we ultimately lost her to liver failure at just seven years old. The bottom line is I will never get a pet store dog again. You do not know what you are getting. They charge you big bucks, encourage you to buy many dog accessories and then you're gone with a dog hoping it's going to work out.
Alternatively, the two rescues societies my family has had dealings with were fantastic. They took many steps to make sure the dogs we adopted were a good match for us. There was full disclosure. The nature and behavior of the dogs was discussed with us and we were required to offer up plenty of information about ourselves to prove we would be solid pet owners. The rescue societys want the adoptions to work so they are not going to pair you up with a dog that's not right for you. Many of them will also let you take the dog for a short trial period. If it works out, great! If it doesn't the canine is returned to the shelter it came from so it can be matched up with someone else.
If you're thinking dog and you know your family is ready for one, please talk to an organization like Heaven Can Wait Animal Rescue Foundation (www.heavencanwait.ca) in High River, Alberta. They set us up with our laid back and lovable grunting pal Homer. You could also check out a group like the Calgary based Little Mutts Rescue Society (www.littlemuttsrescue.org) who got us together with the sweet and energetic Chloe.
She's come a long way, from the streets of Cabos San Lucas Mexico to sleeping to the right of my chair as I write this. Homer is snoozing on my left. Thanks guys, for keeping me company as I ramble on about how great you are.
Chloe
Homer
Chloe is a thin salt and pepper Schnauzer Maltese cross (we think) who is high strung but highly affectionate. She loves being in the company of people and excitedly greets everyone who comes into our home. Chloe regularly gets up on her hind legs so you can give her a high ten on her front paws. She loves flipping her chew toys in the air, cuddling with her owners and utters a high pitched "wooh-wooh-wooh"sound when she's excited.
I am secure enough in my masculinity to say Homer and Chloe are adorable. I love them all the more for how wonderful they are with my 13 year-old-autism spectrum son, Aiden.
With his attention deficits and motor skill delays, Aiden sometimes picks up our dogs awkwardly when he goes to put them on a couch or bed. While they may sport a somewhat concerned look, they take being packed around by Aiden in stride. Chloe in particular has a great deal of loving patience with Aiden. While Homer may occasionally flee when Aiden strokes him somewhat roughly on the couch, Chloe hangs in there, taking all the hands on attention she can get.
What's been a great benefit to having these two rescue dogs the last few yeas is the great amount of responsibility they have instilled in my child. My wife Joelle and I have greatly enjoyed watching our son talking to Chloe and Homer in a cheerful, encouraging manner as he rounds them up to let them outside. He's also stepped up and done a wonderful job in feeding them twice a day and walking them often, with his parents or on his own.
I am a big fan of dogs. The loyalty, the unconditional love, the whole "I am madly wagging my tail because I am so happy to see you even though you have only been gone to the grocery store for 20 minutes" thing, it's all great. My wife and son love our pups as much as I do, which makes for a harmonious household. But I am aware not all special needs children are able to embrace our four legged friends like Aiden can.
He doesn't have the high level of anxiety around animals I have seen in other autism spectrum kids and one Down syndrome child. Not every youngster is right for a pooch. But if you're a parent with a child who needs extra support and he or she is not terrified of dogs, I believe the right mutt can help draw them out in a positive manner.
Where do you get the right dog? To me the best choice is an animal rescue society or shelter.
The first dog we had with Aiden, came into our home when my son was about three years old. She came from a pet store. Aiden named her Polly. She was a Shih Tzu Schnauzer cross and a beautiful dog with long curly black and white hair. She was protective of a pre-school Aiden to the point where she would growl on the leash if she saw a child on the playground get too close to him. Unfortunately Polly had aggression and other behavior issues. She was a willful dog that tested the resolve of my wife and I. We loved her but we had to keep an eye on her all the time. With the aid of a dog trainer we were able to improve our experiences with Polly to a degree but she was still a lot of work.
Polly also had a series of health issues and we ultimately lost her to liver failure at just seven years old. The bottom line is I will never get a pet store dog again. You do not know what you are getting. They charge you big bucks, encourage you to buy many dog accessories and then you're gone with a dog hoping it's going to work out.
Alternatively, the two rescues societies my family has had dealings with were fantastic. They took many steps to make sure the dogs we adopted were a good match for us. There was full disclosure. The nature and behavior of the dogs was discussed with us and we were required to offer up plenty of information about ourselves to prove we would be solid pet owners. The rescue societys want the adoptions to work so they are not going to pair you up with a dog that's not right for you. Many of them will also let you take the dog for a short trial period. If it works out, great! If it doesn't the canine is returned to the shelter it came from so it can be matched up with someone else.
If you're thinking dog and you know your family is ready for one, please talk to an organization like Heaven Can Wait Animal Rescue Foundation (www.heavencanwait.ca) in High River, Alberta. They set us up with our laid back and lovable grunting pal Homer. You could also check out a group like the Calgary based Little Mutts Rescue Society (www.littlemuttsrescue.org) who got us together with the sweet and energetic Chloe.
She's come a long way, from the streets of Cabos San Lucas Mexico to sleeping to the right of my chair as I write this. Homer is snoozing on my left. Thanks guys, for keeping me company as I ramble on about how great you are.
Chloe
Homer
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