The old chestnut of home spun wisdom goes, "Honesty is the best policy." However for kids on the autism spectrum it's more often, "Honesty is the only policy." They say what is on their mind raw, uncut and unfiltered.
Take for example my now 13-year-old son who was determined not to be misrepresented at a Disney World theme park a couple of years ago. It wasn't until I was at the park entrance, with my wife and son, that I read on Aiden's pre-purchased admission ticket that it was for kids 10 and under not 12 and under as I had assumed.
Once Aiden caught a glimpse of his ticket as it was being handed to the woman in the entry booth he loudly announced, "But I am 11."
Since the Disney employee seemed unmoved by this revelation, my wife and I assured Aiden it was okay but he reasserted, "I am 11." Thankfully the ticket taker remained on auto-pilot and we entered the park without delay.
Was Aiden trying to force his parents to spend more money or was he determined slow his entrance into the park? No, he simply saw something that was incorrect and wanted the truth to be known.
A sweet kid, it is not my son's mission to offend but he has inadvertently strayed into that territory on occasion. A half dozen or so years ago he and I were on our way out of a fast food restaurant when Aiden noticed a young female employee in the dining area was a little person, shorter in stature than his elementary school self.
Without missing a beat Aiden approached her and announced with a grin, "You sure are small."
Later in the car when I let Aiden he may have hurt the young lady's feelings, the tears welled up in his eyes and it was I who was inadvertently doing the spirit crushing. Oops.
Most kids are unfiltered in their pre-school years which makes them adorable. Parents will laugh and envy these children who can say what they want and get away with it. For a child on the autism spectrum the inability to sugar coat the truth remains long past the time people find it cute. It's often a life long thing.
I have been disappointed to hear from educators who work with spectrum kids, particularly those with Asperger Syndrome, that the directness of some of these youngsters has lead them to be bullied by their classmates. There is obviously value in attempting to guide these children through social pitfalls so they can function without offending people but there's a part of me that sees the nobility in their honesty and would like to see it celebrated.
I try to gently, without judgement advise Aiden when he's delivered an inappropriate message. Several years ago he proudly presented me with a large, made at school Father's Day card. It was made up in the style of the front page of a newspaper and I accepted it gratefully. I let him know that I was proud he had referred to me on the card as his hero but good naturedly teased him about his use of the phrase "that fat guy" when also referring to me.
I laughingly suggested alternative phrases like "big guy" instead of dropping a "never ever call somebody fat" hammer on him.
Is honesty the best policy? I am not sure. Is acting appalled and coming down hard the right approach to an unfiltered kid? I don't think so.
Tuesday, 28 May 2013
Monday, 20 May 2013
That is a Happy Face
During a recent musical theatre performance I saw the return of a familiar face. Periodically during his singing and dancing Aiden, my 13-year-old autism spectrum son, sported a serious look of what seemed to be apprehension.
While children all around him smiled, his face seemed somewhat dour. Occasionally the high intensity auditorium lights would catch him in the eyes and there would be a quick flinch as he recoiled from the brightness. He would then reset himself and the same apparently pained expression would return.
Aiden is proof positive a face can be misread. If you had attended that same show and seen that same expression you likely would have thought he was not enjoying himself on stage. You would have been mistaken. My son loves being a performer. He's made that abundantly clear to my wife and I as he's babbled excitedly before and after almost all of his theatrical presentations
The look, that serious look, is a display of deep concentration far more than it is an expression of fear. What is going on is some heavy duty processing as my son wades through the static in his mind which aims to muddy the waters and prevent him from remembering steps of choreography and the lyrics to songs.
Parents of children touched by autism quickly realize their kids have to be highly deliberate about most actions. They run the steps of a task through their minds slower and more meticulously than young men and women who know the drill and can quickly execute it through sheer brain and muscle memory.
For those without a first hand knowledge of what an ASD (Autism Spectrum, Disorder) child's processing face looks like it can be off-putting. I have seen many an enthusiastic restaurant employee taken aback as he or she has asked in a joking manner for Aiden's order and received in return a long pause followed by a laboured response delivered by an unsmiling child.
Some adults treat children like self-gratification cash machines. They input their gregarious demeanor expecting to be paid off with an instantaneous laugh or a grin. What they get back from an ASD child however usually amounts to them as an out of order of message. Alternatively, the parents of these kids know they are not broken. They just function definitely
As Aiden matures I find his processing face appears less frequently and he remains a young man prone to outbursts of laughter and other expressions of joy. I myself was treated to a profound feeling of happiness during the aforementioned musical theatre show.
During one song my son rested his elbow on another boy's shoulder as they swayed to the music as part of a chorus line. The two of them sported nearly identical the-gears-are-turning-expressions reassuring me that the boys were joined together in proving not all happy faces look the same.
While children all around him smiled, his face seemed somewhat dour. Occasionally the high intensity auditorium lights would catch him in the eyes and there would be a quick flinch as he recoiled from the brightness. He would then reset himself and the same apparently pained expression would return.
Aiden is proof positive a face can be misread. If you had attended that same show and seen that same expression you likely would have thought he was not enjoying himself on stage. You would have been mistaken. My son loves being a performer. He's made that abundantly clear to my wife and I as he's babbled excitedly before and after almost all of his theatrical presentations
The look, that serious look, is a display of deep concentration far more than it is an expression of fear. What is going on is some heavy duty processing as my son wades through the static in his mind which aims to muddy the waters and prevent him from remembering steps of choreography and the lyrics to songs.
Parents of children touched by autism quickly realize their kids have to be highly deliberate about most actions. They run the steps of a task through their minds slower and more meticulously than young men and women who know the drill and can quickly execute it through sheer brain and muscle memory.
For those without a first hand knowledge of what an ASD (Autism Spectrum, Disorder) child's processing face looks like it can be off-putting. I have seen many an enthusiastic restaurant employee taken aback as he or she has asked in a joking manner for Aiden's order and received in return a long pause followed by a laboured response delivered by an unsmiling child.
Some adults treat children like self-gratification cash machines. They input their gregarious demeanor expecting to be paid off with an instantaneous laugh or a grin. What they get back from an ASD child however usually amounts to them as an out of order of message. Alternatively, the parents of these kids know they are not broken. They just function definitely
As Aiden matures I find his processing face appears less frequently and he remains a young man prone to outbursts of laughter and other expressions of joy. I myself was treated to a profound feeling of happiness during the aforementioned musical theatre show.
During one song my son rested his elbow on another boy's shoulder as they swayed to the music as part of a chorus line. The two of them sported nearly identical the-gears-are-turning-expressions reassuring me that the boys were joined together in proving not all happy faces look the same.
Tuesday, 14 May 2013
Finding that Stuff
There was a momentary hush in the arena. Then "Weird Al" Yankovic began another chorus of his Star Wars tribute parody song, "The Saga Begins". This time he sang the chorus slower, his voice just a bit softer. Set to the tune of Don McLean's American Pie he began, "My my this here Anakin guy. Maybe Vader someday later. Now he's just a small fry."
On stage "Weird Al", clad in a Jedi robe, was flanked by more than a half dozen swaying stormtroopers and a single Darth Vader with his bright red lightsaber lifted above his head. My 13-year-old-son Aiden and I joined the rest of the enthusiastic Calgary, Alberta arena crowd in singing and swaying along with Al.
Actively participating in this nerdist love-in, I was having a blast. I felt such a connection to my kid and was so glad I brought him to a show that turned out to be far more entertaining than either of us had anticipated. All praise "Weird Al", the fifty something song parody legend that transformed Michael Jackson's "Beat It" into the food obsessed hit "Eat it."
"Weird Al" fandom is the newest of many boxes my son and I have been able to check off as shared interstests. I'm a lucky guy. My son and I both enjoy watching superhero movies, getting on the floor and playing with our two dogs. amusement park rides and cracking up to classic episodes of "The Simpsons" On DVD. He also has those special things he shares with his mom, like cutting a rug together as they play a "Just Dance" video game.
But there are those areas where he and I don't connect. Even though Aiden happily attends Calgary Hitmen junior hockey games with me I know it's the food, the mascot and in game promotions that are the true attractions for him. When I try to get him interested in watching sports on TV it's almost always a non starter.
I've learned not to sweat this. I am grateful to connect with Aiden as often as I can realizing the cards I have been dealt as a father are easily played. Even though my son is on the autism spectrum, diagnosed a decade ago with Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS), he is high functioning. His attention deficits don't prevent him from embracing a variety of real life adventures. But there a lot of kids on the spectrum who fixate on a just few things in their lives and are closed off to other experiences..
This is hard on any parent who wants to share their life with their child but I find it's particularly tough on driven accomplished dads. Picture a dad who has always been able to take charge of things coming to terms with having a son who is not going to follow in his footsteps, a son who not only can't play competitive sports but is unable to attend large sporting events because the noise of the stadium and the rush of the crowd is too much for him.
Please dads don't step away. Whether you have an autism spectrum son or daughter don't give up on being bonded to your child. It seems like there is always a way to connect. You may just have to come way past the middle and over to your child's areas of interests even if they don't make sense to you. Whether it's viewing cat videos on the Internet or collecting and arranging tiny figurines, if you invest yourself in something with the child you love, you 're going to get enjoyment out of it.
Before my son introduced them to me, I didn't know there were hordes of video game review and parody videos on YouTube I have been surprised to find more than few of the people making these videos are very imaginative and funny. Video game obsessed adults can be entertaining and "Weird Al" has serious chops as a live performer; it's just some of the things you learn in finding that stuff that's pulls father and child together.
On stage "Weird Al", clad in a Jedi robe, was flanked by more than a half dozen swaying stormtroopers and a single Darth Vader with his bright red lightsaber lifted above his head. My 13-year-old-son Aiden and I joined the rest of the enthusiastic Calgary, Alberta arena crowd in singing and swaying along with Al.
Actively participating in this nerdist love-in, I was having a blast. I felt such a connection to my kid and was so glad I brought him to a show that turned out to be far more entertaining than either of us had anticipated. All praise "Weird Al", the fifty something song parody legend that transformed Michael Jackson's "Beat It" into the food obsessed hit "Eat it."
"Weird Al" fandom is the newest of many boxes my son and I have been able to check off as shared interstests. I'm a lucky guy. My son and I both enjoy watching superhero movies, getting on the floor and playing with our two dogs. amusement park rides and cracking up to classic episodes of "The Simpsons" On DVD. He also has those special things he shares with his mom, like cutting a rug together as they play a "Just Dance" video game.
But there are those areas where he and I don't connect. Even though Aiden happily attends Calgary Hitmen junior hockey games with me I know it's the food, the mascot and in game promotions that are the true attractions for him. When I try to get him interested in watching sports on TV it's almost always a non starter.
I've learned not to sweat this. I am grateful to connect with Aiden as often as I can realizing the cards I have been dealt as a father are easily played. Even though my son is on the autism spectrum, diagnosed a decade ago with Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS), he is high functioning. His attention deficits don't prevent him from embracing a variety of real life adventures. But there a lot of kids on the spectrum who fixate on a just few things in their lives and are closed off to other experiences..
This is hard on any parent who wants to share their life with their child but I find it's particularly tough on driven accomplished dads. Picture a dad who has always been able to take charge of things coming to terms with having a son who is not going to follow in his footsteps, a son who not only can't play competitive sports but is unable to attend large sporting events because the noise of the stadium and the rush of the crowd is too much for him.
Please dads don't step away. Whether you have an autism spectrum son or daughter don't give up on being bonded to your child. It seems like there is always a way to connect. You may just have to come way past the middle and over to your child's areas of interests even if they don't make sense to you. Whether it's viewing cat videos on the Internet or collecting and arranging tiny figurines, if you invest yourself in something with the child you love, you 're going to get enjoyment out of it.
Before my son introduced them to me, I didn't know there were hordes of video game review and parody videos on YouTube I have been surprised to find more than few of the people making these videos are very imaginative and funny. Video game obsessed adults can be entertaining and "Weird Al" has serious chops as a live performer; it's just some of the things you learn in finding that stuff that's pulls father and child together.
"Weird Al" Yankovic
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