The old chestnut of home spun wisdom goes, "Honesty is the best policy." However for kids on the autism spectrum it's more often, "Honesty is the only policy." They say what is on their mind raw, uncut and unfiltered.
Take for example my now 13-year-old son who was determined not to be misrepresented at a Disney World theme park a couple of years ago. It wasn't until I was at the park entrance, with my wife and son, that I read on Aiden's pre-purchased admission ticket that it was for kids 10 and under not 12 and under as I had assumed.
Once Aiden caught a glimpse of his ticket as it was being handed to the woman in the entry booth he loudly announced, "But I am 11."
Since the Disney employee seemed unmoved by this revelation, my wife and I assured Aiden it was okay but he reasserted, "I am 11." Thankfully the ticket taker remained on auto-pilot and we entered the park without delay.
Was Aiden trying to force his parents to spend more money or was he determined slow his entrance into the park? No, he simply saw something that was incorrect and wanted the truth to be known.
A sweet kid, it is not my son's mission to offend but he has inadvertently strayed into that territory on occasion. A half dozen or so years ago he and I were on our way out of a fast food restaurant when Aiden noticed a young female employee in the dining area was a little person, shorter in stature than his elementary school self.
Without missing a beat Aiden approached her and announced with a grin, "You sure are small."
Later in the car when I let Aiden he may have hurt the young lady's feelings, the tears welled up in his eyes and it was I who was inadvertently doing the spirit crushing. Oops.
Most kids are unfiltered in their pre-school years which makes them adorable. Parents will laugh and envy these children who can say what they want and get away with it. For a child on the autism spectrum the inability to sugar coat the truth remains long past the time people find it cute. It's often a life long thing.
I have been disappointed to hear from educators who work with spectrum kids, particularly those with Asperger Syndrome, that the directness of some of these youngsters has lead them to be bullied by their classmates. There is obviously value in attempting to guide these children through social pitfalls so they can function without offending people but there's a part of me that sees the nobility in their honesty and would like to see it celebrated.
I try to gently, without judgement advise Aiden when he's delivered an inappropriate message. Several years ago he proudly presented me with a large, made at school Father's Day card. It was made up in the style of the front page of a newspaper and I accepted it gratefully. I let him know that I was proud he had referred to me on the card as his hero but good naturedly teased him about his use of the phrase "that fat guy" when also referring to me.
I laughingly suggested alternative phrases like "big guy" instead of dropping a "never ever call somebody fat" hammer on him.
Is honesty the best policy? I am not sure. Is acting appalled and coming down hard the right approach to an unfiltered kid? I don't think so.
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