About a month ago at a minor league baseball game my son Aiden spontaneously became part of the stadium entertainment. He, my wife and I had seats along the first base line, right behind the home team dugout. During a break in the action, a promotion took place where a representative from the ball club got on the roof of the dugout and announced it was time for the YMCA.
He was of course speaking of the smash hit 1978 disco song by The Village People that has long been a fixture in North American sports venues. Standing next to the man on the microphone was a special needs adult male who bristled with nervous energy knowing his particular entertainment portion of the ball game was about to begin.
As the familiar pounding beat of the song began, this fellow sprang into action clapping his hands and shuffling back and forth to the music with reckless abandon. Aiden leaned forward in his seat and sat transfixed by this large enthusiastic man. After one chorus of the song where the dugout roof dancer led the crowd through the overhead arm gestures that form the letters Y-M-C-A, Aiden was done watching. He shot up to the dugout roof and began to groove prompting a cheer from some of the fans sitting in our section.
Without a hint of fear my son danced throughout the rest of the song and enthusiastically formed the letters in the chorus a few times. On the autism spectrum, Aiden has physical development delays that make his dancing immature and somewhat disjointed but neither he or the baseball spectators seemed to mind.
When the music was over, applause was doled out to both my son and the special needs gentleman who got the whole party started. It was a fine moment for Aiden and he grinned accordingly as he returned to his seat. Upon reflection though I wonder if there is a time coming soon when my son's spontaneous dancing will become an occasional source of ridicule and not appreciation.
At 13-years-old Aiden is presently growing like a weed. He is already nearly as tall as my wife and it won't be long until he sports facial hair and more than the occasional skin blemish. When it's a young man recklessly dancing at a sporting event and not a boy, it likely won't be as endearing to some. Most adults likely won't have a problem with it but some of my son's teen peers might.
Aiden has already been teased about his dancing once. As long time season ticket holders, he and I have attended many Calgary Hitmen junior hockey games. A big draw for my son at these games is a promotional dance contest where fans vote with their applause for their favourite dancers as they are shown on the centre ice scoreboard video screens. Aiden has been thrilled to win prizes in this event four times. However on one occasion a couple of years ago, once the contest was over he was goaded by three boys in their early teens into another impromptu dance contest.
One of these kids was urging Aiden to show his best moves, then when it was his turn he'd do a wildly exaggerated version of what my son had just done. The teen's two buddies howled with delight at this scene. When I recognized what was going on I didn't freak out. I calmly walked over and got the mocking trio's attention by asking, "Really guys? This is what we're doing?"
The teens quickly exited the area but exchanged some big laughs with each other as they got farther away from my son and I. Aiden was fine after the incident but was surprised to learn that the other boys were making fun of him. Many autism spectrum kids don't have the awareness and ability to read social cues to allow them to realize when one someone is having fun at their expense.
As I think things out here, I realize that the answer to my "should my son dance or not" dilemma is likely arming Aiden as best I can against the haters of the world. I don't want to tell him he has to pack up his dancing shoes. I think he just needs to know as he gets older some young people may find it odd or funny that he still wants to get up and dance in public places. I have to make him aware he may get teased for his efforts but if he wants to take that risk it's fine with me.
I have always admired my son's fearlessness when it comes to performing, whether it's on a school stage or the roof of a baseball dugout and it's not a quality I plan to squeeze out of him anytime soon. You go boy!
Monday, 15 July 2013
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
Reserve Judgement
You try to do the best for your kids but there is not a parent alive that doesn't get it wrong sometimes. The trick is to learn from these missteps. I received a life lesson I still carry around from an incident over a decade ago.
My son was not yet three, when I took him to a toddler reading group at the local library. It was less than a year before my son was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder - not otherwise specified). Aiden and I walked into the room hosting the event and not surprisingly I was the only daddy there. There were many moms with their infants and toddlers and me and my boy. When you are stay at home dad, as I have been much of my now 13-year-old son's life, you get used to being the only pop around in many situations.
Things got going with a female library employee reading a colorfully illustrated children's book in a highly animated manner. Early in the proceedings Aiden popped up from his sitting position on the floor in front of me, rushed to the front of the room grabbed a different book from a table and returned to me with a big grin on his face. Aiden then sat on my lap, opened his new reading material and started talking to me about it in a not so quiet voice. As I whispered to him to be quiet and closed his book urging him to listen to the storyteller, I noticed them for the first time.
There was at least three mothers in the room shooting me some dark stares and I felt judged. I imagined I was being written off as a screw up dad who didn't know what he was doing. Preoccupied by the unwanted attention Aiden and I had drawn, I was unable to stop my son as he jumped to his feet again and repeated his previous action. This time as my son returned with yet another book, he came within a hair of stomping on the hand of an infant who was on all fours on the floor next to me. The mother of the baby issued a loud gasp and fired daggers from her eyes in my direction.
In not my finest hour, I fled. As I stood and took Aiden abruptly by the hand I witnessed almost all of the moms were now gazing at me in a far from approving manner. The only person who had my back was the library employee who kept reading and genuinely smiled at Aiden and I as we passed by her while exiting the room. My boy asked me repeatedly why we were leaving. As we put on our shoes in the library entrance, I heatedly explained to him it was because he wouldn't sit still and listen. Aiden never got upset. He accepted his fate without protest but with more than little bewilderment.
During the short ride home the remorse struck me. I apologized to Aiden. I realized I shouldn't have let those moms fluster me like that. What transgression had my son committed? All he wanted was to have his dad share a book with him. What I should have done is taken the books he had gathered, found a private corner in the library and read to him one-on-one.
As I mentioned off the top I learned from this experience. Years later when Aiden was in elementary school I would occasionally be conversing with a mom as we waited outside a classroom and feel I was being talked down to. The lady I was speaking with would be giving some not so subtle advice or opinion on child raising in a pain staking "are you following me?" manner better suited to a toddler than a man in his late 30s. I would smile, offer comments and take it all like a good solider.
After the library incident I decided I was going to do what I could to not feel judged. My wife had no reservations in entrusting me to care for our infant son when she returned to the workplace, so why should I care about how others perceive my ability to raise my child? I rationalized my wife's a great mom, she believes in me, so |I have got to be a pretty good dad.
Not one looking be judged I have learned the value of not assessing other parents as well. Having an autism spectrum son has really helped out with this. When my family is out in a restaurant and a child at another table has a full scale meltdown, I don't immediately jump to the conclusion this kid has been raised improperly.
I open my mind to the possibility this child may have a condition that renders them unable to adequately deal with things out of his or her control. He or she may have just learned their favourite food item is no longer offered on the menu and as child with autism, obsessive compulsive disorder or something else; is greatly troubled by a disruption to routine. In any outburst or unusual behavior you see in a child you are not familiar with, there may be a backstory behind it you are not aware of.
I have a go-to-move in public situations where a child is acting out and his or her parent looks at me sheepishly and offers an apology for the outburst. I smile and offer two words, "No worries."
My son was not yet three, when I took him to a toddler reading group at the local library. It was less than a year before my son was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder - not otherwise specified). Aiden and I walked into the room hosting the event and not surprisingly I was the only daddy there. There were many moms with their infants and toddlers and me and my boy. When you are stay at home dad, as I have been much of my now 13-year-old son's life, you get used to being the only pop around in many situations.
Things got going with a female library employee reading a colorfully illustrated children's book in a highly animated manner. Early in the proceedings Aiden popped up from his sitting position on the floor in front of me, rushed to the front of the room grabbed a different book from a table and returned to me with a big grin on his face. Aiden then sat on my lap, opened his new reading material and started talking to me about it in a not so quiet voice. As I whispered to him to be quiet and closed his book urging him to listen to the storyteller, I noticed them for the first time.
There was at least three mothers in the room shooting me some dark stares and I felt judged. I imagined I was being written off as a screw up dad who didn't know what he was doing. Preoccupied by the unwanted attention Aiden and I had drawn, I was unable to stop my son as he jumped to his feet again and repeated his previous action. This time as my son returned with yet another book, he came within a hair of stomping on the hand of an infant who was on all fours on the floor next to me. The mother of the baby issued a loud gasp and fired daggers from her eyes in my direction.
In not my finest hour, I fled. As I stood and took Aiden abruptly by the hand I witnessed almost all of the moms were now gazing at me in a far from approving manner. The only person who had my back was the library employee who kept reading and genuinely smiled at Aiden and I as we passed by her while exiting the room. My boy asked me repeatedly why we were leaving. As we put on our shoes in the library entrance, I heatedly explained to him it was because he wouldn't sit still and listen. Aiden never got upset. He accepted his fate without protest but with more than little bewilderment.
During the short ride home the remorse struck me. I apologized to Aiden. I realized I shouldn't have let those moms fluster me like that. What transgression had my son committed? All he wanted was to have his dad share a book with him. What I should have done is taken the books he had gathered, found a private corner in the library and read to him one-on-one.
As I mentioned off the top I learned from this experience. Years later when Aiden was in elementary school I would occasionally be conversing with a mom as we waited outside a classroom and feel I was being talked down to. The lady I was speaking with would be giving some not so subtle advice or opinion on child raising in a pain staking "are you following me?" manner better suited to a toddler than a man in his late 30s. I would smile, offer comments and take it all like a good solider.
After the library incident I decided I was going to do what I could to not feel judged. My wife had no reservations in entrusting me to care for our infant son when she returned to the workplace, so why should I care about how others perceive my ability to raise my child? I rationalized my wife's a great mom, she believes in me, so |I have got to be a pretty good dad.
Not one looking be judged I have learned the value of not assessing other parents as well. Having an autism spectrum son has really helped out with this. When my family is out in a restaurant and a child at another table has a full scale meltdown, I don't immediately jump to the conclusion this kid has been raised improperly.
I open my mind to the possibility this child may have a condition that renders them unable to adequately deal with things out of his or her control. He or she may have just learned their favourite food item is no longer offered on the menu and as child with autism, obsessive compulsive disorder or something else; is greatly troubled by a disruption to routine. In any outburst or unusual behavior you see in a child you are not familiar with, there may be a backstory behind it you are not aware of.
I have a go-to-move in public situations where a child is acting out and his or her parent looks at me sheepishly and offers an apology for the outburst. I smile and offer two words, "No worries."
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
A Boy and His Dogs
Homer is a laid back Shih Tzu cross with huge brown eyes, bowed legs and an under bite. He's an older dog who lopes along at a leisurely pace on walks. Homer doesn't bark much. When he does it's a low unthreatening woof. The number one noise he makes is a combination of a groan and grunt. It's a lot like the "mmm-hmm" sound actor Billy Bob Thornton made countless times while playing the mentally disabled character Karl in the movie Sling Blade
Chloe is a thin salt and pepper Schnauzer Maltese cross (we think) who is high strung but highly affectionate. She loves being in the company of people and excitedly greets everyone who comes into our home. Chloe regularly gets up on her hind legs so you can give her a high ten on her front paws. She loves flipping her chew toys in the air, cuddling with her owners and utters a high pitched "wooh-wooh-wooh"sound when she's excited.
I am secure enough in my masculinity to say Homer and Chloe are adorable. I love them all the more for how wonderful they are with my 13 year-old-autism spectrum son, Aiden.
With his attention deficits and motor skill delays, Aiden sometimes picks up our dogs awkwardly when he goes to put them on a couch or bed. While they may sport a somewhat concerned look, they take being packed around by Aiden in stride. Chloe in particular has a great deal of loving patience with Aiden. While Homer may occasionally flee when Aiden strokes him somewhat roughly on the couch, Chloe hangs in there, taking all the hands on attention she can get.
What's been a great benefit to having these two rescue dogs the last few yeas is the great amount of responsibility they have instilled in my child. My wife Joelle and I have greatly enjoyed watching our son talking to Chloe and Homer in a cheerful, encouraging manner as he rounds them up to let them outside. He's also stepped up and done a wonderful job in feeding them twice a day and walking them often, with his parents or on his own.
I am a big fan of dogs. The loyalty, the unconditional love, the whole "I am madly wagging my tail because I am so happy to see you even though you have only been gone to the grocery store for 20 minutes" thing, it's all great. My wife and son love our pups as much as I do, which makes for a harmonious household. But I am aware not all special needs children are able to embrace our four legged friends like Aiden can.
He doesn't have the high level of anxiety around animals I have seen in other autism spectrum kids and one Down syndrome child. Not every youngster is right for a pooch. But if you're a parent with a child who needs extra support and he or she is not terrified of dogs, I believe the right mutt can help draw them out in a positive manner.
Where do you get the right dog? To me the best choice is an animal rescue society or shelter.
The first dog we had with Aiden, came into our home when my son was about three years old. She came from a pet store. Aiden named her Polly. She was a Shih Tzu Schnauzer cross and a beautiful dog with long curly black and white hair. She was protective of a pre-school Aiden to the point where she would growl on the leash if she saw a child on the playground get too close to him. Unfortunately Polly had aggression and other behavior issues. She was a willful dog that tested the resolve of my wife and I. We loved her but we had to keep an eye on her all the time. With the aid of a dog trainer we were able to improve our experiences with Polly to a degree but she was still a lot of work.
Polly also had a series of health issues and we ultimately lost her to liver failure at just seven years old. The bottom line is I will never get a pet store dog again. You do not know what you are getting. They charge you big bucks, encourage you to buy many dog accessories and then you're gone with a dog hoping it's going to work out.
Alternatively, the two rescues societies my family has had dealings with were fantastic. They took many steps to make sure the dogs we adopted were a good match for us. There was full disclosure. The nature and behavior of the dogs was discussed with us and we were required to offer up plenty of information about ourselves to prove we would be solid pet owners. The rescue societys want the adoptions to work so they are not going to pair you up with a dog that's not right for you. Many of them will also let you take the dog for a short trial period. If it works out, great! If it doesn't the canine is returned to the shelter it came from so it can be matched up with someone else.
If you're thinking dog and you know your family is ready for one, please talk to an organization like Heaven Can Wait Animal Rescue Foundation (www.heavencanwait.ca) in High River, Alberta. They set us up with our laid back and lovable grunting pal Homer. You could also check out a group like the Calgary based Little Mutts Rescue Society (www.littlemuttsrescue.org) who got us together with the sweet and energetic Chloe.
She's come a long way, from the streets of Cabos San Lucas Mexico to sleeping to the right of my chair as I write this. Homer is snoozing on my left. Thanks guys, for keeping me company as I ramble on about how great you are.
Chloe
Homer
Chloe is a thin salt and pepper Schnauzer Maltese cross (we think) who is high strung but highly affectionate. She loves being in the company of people and excitedly greets everyone who comes into our home. Chloe regularly gets up on her hind legs so you can give her a high ten on her front paws. She loves flipping her chew toys in the air, cuddling with her owners and utters a high pitched "wooh-wooh-wooh"sound when she's excited.
I am secure enough in my masculinity to say Homer and Chloe are adorable. I love them all the more for how wonderful they are with my 13 year-old-autism spectrum son, Aiden.
With his attention deficits and motor skill delays, Aiden sometimes picks up our dogs awkwardly when he goes to put them on a couch or bed. While they may sport a somewhat concerned look, they take being packed around by Aiden in stride. Chloe in particular has a great deal of loving patience with Aiden. While Homer may occasionally flee when Aiden strokes him somewhat roughly on the couch, Chloe hangs in there, taking all the hands on attention she can get.
What's been a great benefit to having these two rescue dogs the last few yeas is the great amount of responsibility they have instilled in my child. My wife Joelle and I have greatly enjoyed watching our son talking to Chloe and Homer in a cheerful, encouraging manner as he rounds them up to let them outside. He's also stepped up and done a wonderful job in feeding them twice a day and walking them often, with his parents or on his own.
I am a big fan of dogs. The loyalty, the unconditional love, the whole "I am madly wagging my tail because I am so happy to see you even though you have only been gone to the grocery store for 20 minutes" thing, it's all great. My wife and son love our pups as much as I do, which makes for a harmonious household. But I am aware not all special needs children are able to embrace our four legged friends like Aiden can.
He doesn't have the high level of anxiety around animals I have seen in other autism spectrum kids and one Down syndrome child. Not every youngster is right for a pooch. But if you're a parent with a child who needs extra support and he or she is not terrified of dogs, I believe the right mutt can help draw them out in a positive manner.
Where do you get the right dog? To me the best choice is an animal rescue society or shelter.
The first dog we had with Aiden, came into our home when my son was about three years old. She came from a pet store. Aiden named her Polly. She was a Shih Tzu Schnauzer cross and a beautiful dog with long curly black and white hair. She was protective of a pre-school Aiden to the point where she would growl on the leash if she saw a child on the playground get too close to him. Unfortunately Polly had aggression and other behavior issues. She was a willful dog that tested the resolve of my wife and I. We loved her but we had to keep an eye on her all the time. With the aid of a dog trainer we were able to improve our experiences with Polly to a degree but she was still a lot of work.
Polly also had a series of health issues and we ultimately lost her to liver failure at just seven years old. The bottom line is I will never get a pet store dog again. You do not know what you are getting. They charge you big bucks, encourage you to buy many dog accessories and then you're gone with a dog hoping it's going to work out.
Alternatively, the two rescues societies my family has had dealings with were fantastic. They took many steps to make sure the dogs we adopted were a good match for us. There was full disclosure. The nature and behavior of the dogs was discussed with us and we were required to offer up plenty of information about ourselves to prove we would be solid pet owners. The rescue societys want the adoptions to work so they are not going to pair you up with a dog that's not right for you. Many of them will also let you take the dog for a short trial period. If it works out, great! If it doesn't the canine is returned to the shelter it came from so it can be matched up with someone else.
If you're thinking dog and you know your family is ready for one, please talk to an organization like Heaven Can Wait Animal Rescue Foundation (www.heavencanwait.ca) in High River, Alberta. They set us up with our laid back and lovable grunting pal Homer. You could also check out a group like the Calgary based Little Mutts Rescue Society (www.littlemuttsrescue.org) who got us together with the sweet and energetic Chloe.
She's come a long way, from the streets of Cabos San Lucas Mexico to sleeping to the right of my chair as I write this. Homer is snoozing on my left. Thanks guys, for keeping me company as I ramble on about how great you are.
Chloe
HomerTuesday, 28 May 2013
No Filter - No Problem
The old chestnut of home spun wisdom goes, "Honesty is the best policy." However for kids on the autism spectrum it's more often, "Honesty is the only policy." They say what is on their mind raw, uncut and unfiltered.
Take for example my now 13-year-old son who was determined not to be misrepresented at a Disney World theme park a couple of years ago. It wasn't until I was at the park entrance, with my wife and son, that I read on Aiden's pre-purchased admission ticket that it was for kids 10 and under not 12 and under as I had assumed.
Once Aiden caught a glimpse of his ticket as it was being handed to the woman in the entry booth he loudly announced, "But I am 11."
Since the Disney employee seemed unmoved by this revelation, my wife and I assured Aiden it was okay but he reasserted, "I am 11." Thankfully the ticket taker remained on auto-pilot and we entered the park without delay.
Was Aiden trying to force his parents to spend more money or was he determined slow his entrance into the park? No, he simply saw something that was incorrect and wanted the truth to be known.
A sweet kid, it is not my son's mission to offend but he has inadvertently strayed into that territory on occasion. A half dozen or so years ago he and I were on our way out of a fast food restaurant when Aiden noticed a young female employee in the dining area was a little person, shorter in stature than his elementary school self.
Without missing a beat Aiden approached her and announced with a grin, "You sure are small."
Later in the car when I let Aiden he may have hurt the young lady's feelings, the tears welled up in his eyes and it was I who was inadvertently doing the spirit crushing. Oops.
Most kids are unfiltered in their pre-school years which makes them adorable. Parents will laugh and envy these children who can say what they want and get away with it. For a child on the autism spectrum the inability to sugar coat the truth remains long past the time people find it cute. It's often a life long thing.
I have been disappointed to hear from educators who work with spectrum kids, particularly those with Asperger Syndrome, that the directness of some of these youngsters has lead them to be bullied by their classmates. There is obviously value in attempting to guide these children through social pitfalls so they can function without offending people but there's a part of me that sees the nobility in their honesty and would like to see it celebrated.
I try to gently, without judgement advise Aiden when he's delivered an inappropriate message. Several years ago he proudly presented me with a large, made at school Father's Day card. It was made up in the style of the front page of a newspaper and I accepted it gratefully. I let him know that I was proud he had referred to me on the card as his hero but good naturedly teased him about his use of the phrase "that fat guy" when also referring to me.
I laughingly suggested alternative phrases like "big guy" instead of dropping a "never ever call somebody fat" hammer on him.
Is honesty the best policy? I am not sure. Is acting appalled and coming down hard the right approach to an unfiltered kid? I don't think so.
Take for example my now 13-year-old son who was determined not to be misrepresented at a Disney World theme park a couple of years ago. It wasn't until I was at the park entrance, with my wife and son, that I read on Aiden's pre-purchased admission ticket that it was for kids 10 and under not 12 and under as I had assumed.
Once Aiden caught a glimpse of his ticket as it was being handed to the woman in the entry booth he loudly announced, "But I am 11."
Since the Disney employee seemed unmoved by this revelation, my wife and I assured Aiden it was okay but he reasserted, "I am 11." Thankfully the ticket taker remained on auto-pilot and we entered the park without delay.
Was Aiden trying to force his parents to spend more money or was he determined slow his entrance into the park? No, he simply saw something that was incorrect and wanted the truth to be known.
A sweet kid, it is not my son's mission to offend but he has inadvertently strayed into that territory on occasion. A half dozen or so years ago he and I were on our way out of a fast food restaurant when Aiden noticed a young female employee in the dining area was a little person, shorter in stature than his elementary school self.
Without missing a beat Aiden approached her and announced with a grin, "You sure are small."
Later in the car when I let Aiden he may have hurt the young lady's feelings, the tears welled up in his eyes and it was I who was inadvertently doing the spirit crushing. Oops.
Most kids are unfiltered in their pre-school years which makes them adorable. Parents will laugh and envy these children who can say what they want and get away with it. For a child on the autism spectrum the inability to sugar coat the truth remains long past the time people find it cute. It's often a life long thing.
I have been disappointed to hear from educators who work with spectrum kids, particularly those with Asperger Syndrome, that the directness of some of these youngsters has lead them to be bullied by their classmates. There is obviously value in attempting to guide these children through social pitfalls so they can function without offending people but there's a part of me that sees the nobility in their honesty and would like to see it celebrated.
I try to gently, without judgement advise Aiden when he's delivered an inappropriate message. Several years ago he proudly presented me with a large, made at school Father's Day card. It was made up in the style of the front page of a newspaper and I accepted it gratefully. I let him know that I was proud he had referred to me on the card as his hero but good naturedly teased him about his use of the phrase "that fat guy" when also referring to me.
I laughingly suggested alternative phrases like "big guy" instead of dropping a "never ever call somebody fat" hammer on him.
Is honesty the best policy? I am not sure. Is acting appalled and coming down hard the right approach to an unfiltered kid? I don't think so.
Monday, 20 May 2013
That is a Happy Face
During a recent musical theatre performance I saw the return of a familiar face. Periodically during his singing and dancing Aiden, my 13-year-old autism spectrum son, sported a serious look of what seemed to be apprehension.
While children all around him smiled, his face seemed somewhat dour. Occasionally the high intensity auditorium lights would catch him in the eyes and there would be a quick flinch as he recoiled from the brightness. He would then reset himself and the same apparently pained expression would return.
Aiden is proof positive a face can be misread. If you had attended that same show and seen that same expression you likely would have thought he was not enjoying himself on stage. You would have been mistaken. My son loves being a performer. He's made that abundantly clear to my wife and I as he's babbled excitedly before and after almost all of his theatrical presentations
The look, that serious look, is a display of deep concentration far more than it is an expression of fear. What is going on is some heavy duty processing as my son wades through the static in his mind which aims to muddy the waters and prevent him from remembering steps of choreography and the lyrics to songs.
Parents of children touched by autism quickly realize their kids have to be highly deliberate about most actions. They run the steps of a task through their minds slower and more meticulously than young men and women who know the drill and can quickly execute it through sheer brain and muscle memory.
For those without a first hand knowledge of what an ASD (Autism Spectrum, Disorder) child's processing face looks like it can be off-putting. I have seen many an enthusiastic restaurant employee taken aback as he or she has asked in a joking manner for Aiden's order and received in return a long pause followed by a laboured response delivered by an unsmiling child.
Some adults treat children like self-gratification cash machines. They input their gregarious demeanor expecting to be paid off with an instantaneous laugh or a grin. What they get back from an ASD child however usually amounts to them as an out of order of message. Alternatively, the parents of these kids know they are not broken. They just function definitely
As Aiden matures I find his processing face appears less frequently and he remains a young man prone to outbursts of laughter and other expressions of joy. I myself was treated to a profound feeling of happiness during the aforementioned musical theatre show.
During one song my son rested his elbow on another boy's shoulder as they swayed to the music as part of a chorus line. The two of them sported nearly identical the-gears-are-turning-expressions reassuring me that the boys were joined together in proving not all happy faces look the same.
While children all around him smiled, his face seemed somewhat dour. Occasionally the high intensity auditorium lights would catch him in the eyes and there would be a quick flinch as he recoiled from the brightness. He would then reset himself and the same apparently pained expression would return.
Aiden is proof positive a face can be misread. If you had attended that same show and seen that same expression you likely would have thought he was not enjoying himself on stage. You would have been mistaken. My son loves being a performer. He's made that abundantly clear to my wife and I as he's babbled excitedly before and after almost all of his theatrical presentations
The look, that serious look, is a display of deep concentration far more than it is an expression of fear. What is going on is some heavy duty processing as my son wades through the static in his mind which aims to muddy the waters and prevent him from remembering steps of choreography and the lyrics to songs.
Parents of children touched by autism quickly realize their kids have to be highly deliberate about most actions. They run the steps of a task through their minds slower and more meticulously than young men and women who know the drill and can quickly execute it through sheer brain and muscle memory.
For those without a first hand knowledge of what an ASD (Autism Spectrum, Disorder) child's processing face looks like it can be off-putting. I have seen many an enthusiastic restaurant employee taken aback as he or she has asked in a joking manner for Aiden's order and received in return a long pause followed by a laboured response delivered by an unsmiling child.
Some adults treat children like self-gratification cash machines. They input their gregarious demeanor expecting to be paid off with an instantaneous laugh or a grin. What they get back from an ASD child however usually amounts to them as an out of order of message. Alternatively, the parents of these kids know they are not broken. They just function definitely
As Aiden matures I find his processing face appears less frequently and he remains a young man prone to outbursts of laughter and other expressions of joy. I myself was treated to a profound feeling of happiness during the aforementioned musical theatre show.
During one song my son rested his elbow on another boy's shoulder as they swayed to the music as part of a chorus line. The two of them sported nearly identical the-gears-are-turning-expressions reassuring me that the boys were joined together in proving not all happy faces look the same.
Tuesday, 14 May 2013
Finding that Stuff
There was a momentary hush in the arena. Then "Weird Al" Yankovic began another chorus of his Star Wars tribute parody song, "The Saga Begins". This time he sang the chorus slower, his voice just a bit softer. Set to the tune of Don McLean's American Pie he began, "My my this here Anakin guy. Maybe Vader someday later. Now he's just a small fry."
On stage "Weird Al", clad in a Jedi robe, was flanked by more than a half dozen swaying stormtroopers and a single Darth Vader with his bright red lightsaber lifted above his head. My 13-year-old-son Aiden and I joined the rest of the enthusiastic Calgary, Alberta arena crowd in singing and swaying along with Al.
Actively participating in this nerdist love-in, I was having a blast. I felt such a connection to my kid and was so glad I brought him to a show that turned out to be far more entertaining than either of us had anticipated. All praise "Weird Al", the fifty something song parody legend that transformed Michael Jackson's "Beat It" into the food obsessed hit "Eat it."
"Weird Al" fandom is the newest of many boxes my son and I have been able to check off as shared interstests. I'm a lucky guy. My son and I both enjoy watching superhero movies, getting on the floor and playing with our two dogs. amusement park rides and cracking up to classic episodes of "The Simpsons" On DVD. He also has those special things he shares with his mom, like cutting a rug together as they play a "Just Dance" video game.
But there are those areas where he and I don't connect. Even though Aiden happily attends Calgary Hitmen junior hockey games with me I know it's the food, the mascot and in game promotions that are the true attractions for him. When I try to get him interested in watching sports on TV it's almost always a non starter.
I've learned not to sweat this. I am grateful to connect with Aiden as often as I can realizing the cards I have been dealt as a father are easily played. Even though my son is on the autism spectrum, diagnosed a decade ago with Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS), he is high functioning. His attention deficits don't prevent him from embracing a variety of real life adventures. But there a lot of kids on the spectrum who fixate on a just few things in their lives and are closed off to other experiences..
This is hard on any parent who wants to share their life with their child but I find it's particularly tough on driven accomplished dads. Picture a dad who has always been able to take charge of things coming to terms with having a son who is not going to follow in his footsteps, a son who not only can't play competitive sports but is unable to attend large sporting events because the noise of the stadium and the rush of the crowd is too much for him.
Please dads don't step away. Whether you have an autism spectrum son or daughter don't give up on being bonded to your child. It seems like there is always a way to connect. You may just have to come way past the middle and over to your child's areas of interests even if they don't make sense to you. Whether it's viewing cat videos on the Internet or collecting and arranging tiny figurines, if you invest yourself in something with the child you love, you 're going to get enjoyment out of it.
Before my son introduced them to me, I didn't know there were hordes of video game review and parody videos on YouTube I have been surprised to find more than few of the people making these videos are very imaginative and funny. Video game obsessed adults can be entertaining and "Weird Al" has serious chops as a live performer; it's just some of the things you learn in finding that stuff that's pulls father and child together.
On stage "Weird Al", clad in a Jedi robe, was flanked by more than a half dozen swaying stormtroopers and a single Darth Vader with his bright red lightsaber lifted above his head. My 13-year-old-son Aiden and I joined the rest of the enthusiastic Calgary, Alberta arena crowd in singing and swaying along with Al.
Actively participating in this nerdist love-in, I was having a blast. I felt such a connection to my kid and was so glad I brought him to a show that turned out to be far more entertaining than either of us had anticipated. All praise "Weird Al", the fifty something song parody legend that transformed Michael Jackson's "Beat It" into the food obsessed hit "Eat it."
"Weird Al" fandom is the newest of many boxes my son and I have been able to check off as shared interstests. I'm a lucky guy. My son and I both enjoy watching superhero movies, getting on the floor and playing with our two dogs. amusement park rides and cracking up to classic episodes of "The Simpsons" On DVD. He also has those special things he shares with his mom, like cutting a rug together as they play a "Just Dance" video game.
But there are those areas where he and I don't connect. Even though Aiden happily attends Calgary Hitmen junior hockey games with me I know it's the food, the mascot and in game promotions that are the true attractions for him. When I try to get him interested in watching sports on TV it's almost always a non starter.
I've learned not to sweat this. I am grateful to connect with Aiden as often as I can realizing the cards I have been dealt as a father are easily played. Even though my son is on the autism spectrum, diagnosed a decade ago with Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS), he is high functioning. His attention deficits don't prevent him from embracing a variety of real life adventures. But there a lot of kids on the spectrum who fixate on a just few things in their lives and are closed off to other experiences..
This is hard on any parent who wants to share their life with their child but I find it's particularly tough on driven accomplished dads. Picture a dad who has always been able to take charge of things coming to terms with having a son who is not going to follow in his footsteps, a son who not only can't play competitive sports but is unable to attend large sporting events because the noise of the stadium and the rush of the crowd is too much for him.
Please dads don't step away. Whether you have an autism spectrum son or daughter don't give up on being bonded to your child. It seems like there is always a way to connect. You may just have to come way past the middle and over to your child's areas of interests even if they don't make sense to you. Whether it's viewing cat videos on the Internet or collecting and arranging tiny figurines, if you invest yourself in something with the child you love, you 're going to get enjoyment out of it.
Before my son introduced them to me, I didn't know there were hordes of video game review and parody videos on YouTube I have been surprised to find more than few of the people making these videos are very imaginative and funny. Video game obsessed adults can be entertaining and "Weird Al" has serious chops as a live performer; it's just some of the things you learn in finding that stuff that's pulls father and child together.
"Weird Al" Yankovic
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